An Introduction.

Let me introduce myself.

I guess I should start with the very basics. Hi – my name is Ashlie. I’m 28 years old, cis-gendered female living in the South of England. I am a Virgo (very evidently a Virgo I might add), recently married to my absolute soulmate and a strident believer that animal print is a neutral.

I finished my master’s degree during the Covid 19 lockdown and made the decision to step away from my research and writing and instead work a full time ‘normal’ job to make sure I had a stable income and a step up on the career ladder. Fast Forward 4 years and I find myself pregnant, (nearly) unemployed and am certain that I no longer want to work in hospitality. In fact, I practically throwing myself off the aforementioned ladder.

The current world economic climate makes this transitional period feel like stepping into a pool full of hungry sharks with a paper cut. I feel the most vulnerable I have felt in my whole life, having to allow some of the responsibility of my wellbeing fall on my partner as I am finding it almost impossible to find more suitable work at nearly 6 months pregnant. I have valuable assets; my assertiveness, my drive, my inability to strive for anything bar perfection - but it is proving tricky for employers to see past the growing bump. In their eyes it is a ticking time bomb, and there are no red or blue wires to cut.

I FIND MYSELF STARING AT AN EMPTY DRAWING BOARD.

It feels as if I must start again. Weirdly, I am not particularly daunted by this. In fact, it feels like the most natural moment in my life to dissolve into transitional goo and retreat into a chrysalis. The cacophony that cyclones may mind seems to have quietened and from that comes this beautiful clarity. Injustices in the world have previously been a burden too heavy for me to bare; anger and despair had been familiar acquaintances for far too long and I felt this overwhelming desire to share everything I felt internally with the world. (Not that I am certain anyone would be particularly interested in reading).

I remember being sat in a meeting once with a HR manager who told me I was ‘too sensitive’. I do not disagree. I am incredibly sensitive. I have spent my whole life being able to pick up on the ‘vibes’ or ‘inclinations’ and in recent years have become incredibly sensitive to the people around me. But where this HR manager was wrong was identifying this sensitivity as a disadvantage. It is one of my biggest strengths and I refuse to operate in a system that feels obliged to tell me otherwise.

I care a lot (like a lot a lot) about loads of different things and I just want to share that. It’s not about fame, or fortune or even recognition – it would just be grand if someone were to read my silly ramblings and figure something out about themselves or feel connected to something for the first time in a long time. The fairly new term ‘deinfluence’ aligns with me; I am not wiritng to sell an idea or encourage self investment, the only thing I am truly promoting is connectedness. We are so disconnected from the world, taught to be as small as possible, go with the system earn your money to pay for the ‘things’ we need for a happy life and just be quiet because that’s ‘just the way it is’ and I refuse to succumb to this. You cannot tell me that the magic that brings us into existence destines us to a life of labour and putting coins together enough times just to get by. There must be more to our precious little lives, more value than just the daily grind and I am determined, through writing and exploring the world, to find it.

There’s loads of things I want to talk about. I want to talk about our relationship with sex in our current world that feels seconds away from imploding; how does anyone have time to orgasm when we’re all so worried what Donald Trump is going to do next? I want to write about my relationship with self and my own sexuality, and how that is changing as my body grows a child; something that I had not anticipated because of the total invisibility of this subject in society. I want to write stories to enliven the imagination of the inner child in all of us, including my own. I want to write about the amazing, kind things that people are doing to make our world a better place, showing that magic truly is alive and all around us. There are so many stories to tell and I know it would be total privilege to share just a minuscule portion of them.

I know that there is a plethora of little girls out there who grew up just like me. Feeling out of place, constantly being told they were ‘too sensitive’ but not knowing how to dull that empathy they felt for other people. I want those girls to find me and recognise themselves, recognise that their sensitivity is not a bad thing. As girls, and later as women, we are taught to be grateful for any opportunities sent our way, as if any professional achievement is a reward for compliance. I want these little girls to grow up and realise that THEY are the gift, and that they are more powerful than they know; that must start with me realising that for myself.

I’ve spent the last 10 years working with the general public; I have listened to people I don’t necessarily agree with, I have heard frankly harrowing stories from people you wouldn’t look twice at on the street and I have learnt so much about myself from plonking myself right at the heart of community. Social media is shielding us from our own humanity, allowing us to fine tune the image we portray to the world. I want to encourage sharing the scary bits, the bits that we airbrush out, hide even from ourselves in the digital mirror of our endless social media feeds. It has to start with me and my own vulnerability, and I had best get on with it!